The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I deserve this hangover.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
