I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize