Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
