And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
