I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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