My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
