I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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