Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
