Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
