Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
