So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
