I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
