my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
