I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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