my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
