I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
