yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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