Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize