Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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