I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
