my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
