I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
