It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
