piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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