I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
