my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
