So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
