she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
