alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
