Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
