Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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