I murdered the dance floor call the cops
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
