I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
