M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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