btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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