Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
