Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
