haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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