so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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