I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
