i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
