walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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