Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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