We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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