I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
