Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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