You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
