think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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