So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
