I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Who died my cat blue again?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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