I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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