I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize