You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
