She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
