There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
