I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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